Emotion - Passion for Aviation and Travel

As a naturally calm and stoic person, I don’t perceive or express my emotions in the same way as a lot of people.
- More often than not, for things that trigger very strong emotions in others, my reactions will seem very muted in comparison and maybe even emotionless.
  - This is often perceived as indifference or detachment by others, with many claiming that I have a “robotic” personality.
- This can also lead to a perceived lack of empathy, since others’ announcements of extremely emotional news (whether elated, depressed, irate, or whatever) will be only mirrored by a tiny sliver of the same emotion.
- Since this is how I naturally am, I don’t feel bad about how I react personally.
  - Rather, I feel bad that others (especially those closest to me) may think that I don’t care about them or their lives, when I really do, because of how I express myself.
  - Since relationships are about giving, and emotion is the most uniquely human way to give to others, I think I owe it to my friends and family to try to change how I perceive and express my emotions (even though, again, I don’t personally feel bad about being who I am).
  - If you’re reading this and feel like you express your emotions similarly, I would recommend you consider the same thing for the sake of your relationships.
- The point of this article, then, is to explain how I—and people like me—perceive and express emotions.
First and foremost, I FEEL EMOTIONS!
- Like almost any other human out there, emotions are an essential part of my life that guide almost every action I take, whether directly or indirectly.
- Expression and feeling are two very different things. Someone might express every emotion but feel nothing (a psychopath). Another person might express nothing but feel everything (a stoic).
  - Generally, I would assume that everyone feels at least something, and their expressiveness is really no indication of how much they truly feel that emotion.
However, I consider emotions more like tools I use rather than uncontrollable urges.
- I’ll just get this out of the way: I don’t use emotions as tools to manipulate others. While someone certainly could do this (and many people do), that’s not the type of tool I’m talking about.
- Rather, I consider them almost like indications of how I feel about something and ways to change my actions for the future rather than consider them “feelings” I have to follow. Those sound very similar but are actually subtly different.
- To explain further with some imagery, imagine if you had two people in your brain: One person who feels and reacts to emotions but doesn’t control any of your actions and another person who is an outside observer to the first person’s emotions and reactions but does control your thoughts and actions.
  - As things happen to you, the person who feels emotions would react however they react. Maybe it’s sadness, anger, disappointment, whatever you naturally feel with no filter. However, since this person does not control your actions, the reaction of the feelings is completely internal (for the moment). This person (who, remember, is still part of you!) feels every emotion extremely deeply.
  - The second person is witnessing the first person’s reactions. They are looking at the reaction as indications of whether a certain action you took led to an emotion that you either wanted or didn’t want. They make a knowledgeable, informed decision on what to learn from the situation and they can then change your thoughts or actions for the future.
    - HOWEVER, the current action they take is not necessarily just informed by what you might expect from the current emotion the first person is feeling or reacting to. Usually, it’s a very rational, calm action because that second person (who controls your outward reaction) does not respond directly to the current emotion that the first person is feeling, but rather acts as a rational filter that often removes most of the potency of that emotion.
    - Thus, that’s why people like me seem very stoic: We feel a lot, but we put it through a rational filter to protect ourselves in the moment and give ourselves time to process it later.
  - I think it’s key to remember that both these people are a part of you. Even though outward expressions are dominated by the second person, your internal reactions are still dominated by the first person.
  - While this metaphor isn’t perfect, you can easily imagine that for different types of people, either type of inner person has more control over their outward reactions.
    - For more emotional people, they don’t “lack” a rational side; the more emotional person in your brain just has more control over your reactions.
    - The goal would not necessarily be to give equal control over both types of inner person in all situations, but to know when to give more control to either person in each scenario.
  - Clearly, the metaphor used above can also be said to be the split between “right” and “left” brain.
As a result of the above, stoic people usually can maintain a certain emotion as their “core emotion”, or the set point of their rational filter, with minor deviations based on the circumstance.
- This core emotion can really be anything, but I would say the most common are contentment, sadness, or anger.
  - Whereas many people don’t stick to an emotion necessarily, but feel different ways depending on the circumstance, people like myself will have one dominating feeling that permeates all other reactions and actions.
  - For example, I used to be a dominantly angry person, which made all my interactions tinged with things like aggressiveness and resentment. Then, for a long time I was a dominantly sad person, where I was just moving through life listlessly and with a pessimistic eye toward everything, whether accomplishment or failure. But now, I am a dominantly content person, and while I still feel anger, sadness, and all the other so-called “bad” emotions (which I don’t think are really bad at all), they are mediated by my core personality that gives everything an optimistic edge.
- Note, though, that usually people like myself will keep an air of calmness on the outside, no matter what that core emotion is. This may be because we feel the same thing every single day, which makes us numb to any changes in how we feel.
It’s also difficult to perceive subtle emotions in other people, or to “read in between the lines” in what someone is saying or how they act.
- Obvious single emotions—rage, despair, etc.—are easy to perceive, but most of the time, people don’t just feel one emotion at a time. At all times, every single emotion that a person has is fluctuating in intensity, with a single external reaction being the combination of potentially several emotions at once.
- For people like myself who aren’t naturally emotionally intelligent, it can be very difficult to intuitively perceive second- and third-order emotions.
  - I often “take someone at their word,” so to speak. For example, if you tell me that you’re fine, then I’ll consider you fine. Without practice, it’s hard for me to pick up the subtle hint of sadness or whatever else that you infuse the answer with that indicates you’re actually not fine.
  - That’s why many people can get very frustrated with people like me, because they may expect us to notice the other emotions that they are feeling (after all, they may be used to other people in their lives being able to easily pick up those more subtle emotions).
    - For more emotional people, it may seem extremely obvious to them that they are showing their true emotion in their words or actions, despite the fact they are saying or doing something to the contrary.
    - Then, when people like me don’t recognize it, they may get frustrated at our perceived lack of caring.
    - Things like texting have just made this worse, since now all you can really do is take people at their word for it.
Now, if you’re in my situation, how can you improve your emotional intelligence?
- While it may seem daunting, learning how to perceive and express emotions is not only possible, but both rewarding and necessary.
  - One of the hardest parts of starting this process is realizing that while expressing emotions gives many amazing things (more fulfilling relationships, deeper depths of feeling, etc.), it also necessarily brings in seemingly not-so-great things (rejection, disappointment, etc.).
    - Many times, people like myself try to avoid emotions because they are so “messy.” Most of the time, you can’t put them in a box or make sense of them (at least not entirely), and you have to make decisions and reactions based on incomplete information.
    - But I would argue that both the depths of elation and despair are not only normal human emotions, but necessary to feeling the most life has to offer! Trust me, nothing feels better than coming back from the lowest low and nothing teaches you more than coming off of the highest high. When you live without expressing your emotions, you live in the middle of these that, while comfortable, is not nearly as fulfilling.
  - If you think about it, the range of emotions that humans have is one of the truly most “human” things about us! While, of course, you are still human if you are naturally inclined not to be as emotionally intelligent as others, I think you could be missing out on something truly unique about who we are by not trying to improve.
  - In the same vein, learning emotions is not something that you have to learn from scratch, like trying to learn a new language for the first time at 40 years old. It’s more like a language that you learned when you were a baby and, with practice, you can easily pick up because your brain is already well-tuned to it.
    - So really, that’s all there is to it: practice!
- First, give the emotional person living in your brain more control.
  - As I said above, you don’t lack emotions by any means; you just have a rational filter. Give less precedence to that filter!
    - If you really want to go all the way, you could remove the filter entirely…but I would suggest going slow at first, since the opposite of an extreme is just another extreme. The key is a good balance between both.
  - This means that your reactions may be short-sighted and reactionary, rather than thought-out and rational. But that’s okay! Emotions are about feeling not thinking.
    - This may mean speaking and acting without care of the consequences. This is actually a good thing, since–if you think of it like a science problem–to better understand a cause, you need to analyze its effect.
      - If you blow up at someone or express your elation when someone wins an award, you might see the effects of losing a friend and gaining a friend, respectively. This shows you that, if you want to lose or gain a friend in the future, this is what emotions you should be feeling to get those results (of course, only do this if the emotions come naturally, don’t try to manipulate your or others’ feelings to achieve a certain end).
- Second, talk to as many people as you can and USE YOUR EMOTION!
  - For introverted people, this can be very scary. The only thing I can say to that is suck it up and go do the most natural thing for humans to do, which is to be social.
  - This means talking to anyone that you can. From your mother to your mailman.
    - Perhaps start with the people closest to you and actually say to them, “I am trying to improve my emotional intelligence.” If they care for you, then of course they will try and help you and understand if you make any faux pas.
    - As you get more comfortable, go to ever-increasing levels of relations away from you until you can talk to strangers with emotionality.
    - You’ll quickly notice that, compared to the “robotic” way you might have acted before, the conversations and relationships you make with people will start tending toward extremes: Some people you will really vibe with and some people you will just hate.
      - While in the past, your shallow affect may have been met with the same level of polite affectation from your interlocutor that removed any big feelings from the conversation, now your emotionality invites the same level (but maybe in a different direction) of emotionality that allows for big feelings to come into play.
      - This is awesome, since as long as you are genuine with your feelings, the people who should be in your life will naturally be drawn toward you (since they recognize an attractive set of emotions within you) and the people who aren’t supposed to be in your life will be repelled.
- Finally, remember that it’s not “all-or-nothing.” It’s not that you “have emotions” or “don’t have emotions.”
  - You definitely don’t want to go all-in to your emotions when you have spent a lifetime without their influence; that is a recipe for disaster.
  - Rather, slowly ramp them up with time as you practice talking with people.
    - It’s like turning a knob on an amplifier when playing guitar: To find the right volume, while you could pump it up to maximum loudness, see what it sounds like, and then try to estimate what the correct sound is as a percentage of the maximum, it’s probably better to slowly increase from zero until you find the correct sound. You don’t want to blow out anyone’s metaphorical eardrums!
    - This method may take longer, but it’s more fulfilling since you get to experience the full range of emotionality and find your personal limits with more precision.
  - With time, you’ll notice that emotions won’t come to dominate your life as you might fear at the beginning, but become an important part that helps you to make better relationships and express yourself in a more truthful way.
    - Take heart in knowing that trying to become more emotional is not only natural, it’s essential to accessing a vital part of your talents.
    - You’re selling yourself short if you don’t try!